My Fallow Americans,
I have made this shithole nation into a great, really great place for me to be the president, and I feel I must take this opportunity to say, Thank You Donald Trump. For who else could do what I’ve done as fast and as well as I’ve done it? Nobody, that’s who. Some bad, really bad people in Congress would keep me from speaking to you. But my supporters in the media know great entertainment when they see it and will always be sure to give me a platform to share my stable genius with you, the little people who have made me bigly.
I am reminded of what I said to that football team that came by the other night for dinner. “You gonna eat that?” And they did, but not the fish sandwiches, because who the hell eats those crappy things? They knew how lucky they were to have Big Macs and Burger King hamberders with someone as important and special as I. Me.
The reason I speak to you today, not from the hollowed holes of the Capital building, but from the back of this flatbed pickup truck, made in America by Portuguese immigrants happy for the less-than-minimum-wage jobs, is because of the impasse over our border security, which seems like a pretty big deal to me, I don’t know, but there are literally hundreds of M13 drug-smuggling rapists with M-16s attacking our poorly manned border positions along the south and southern borders of this great wall of mine. Ours. Hours have been spent with the do-nothing Democrats who insist that thousands, literally thousands of M16 gang-rapers with M13 assault cannons, and ill intentions, fly F16s all along our wide-open border, along the south and southern regions of this great land of hours and minutes from now, literally tens of thousands of women and children are being smuggled for sex and light housekeeping by F16 gang bangers by simply walking where my wall would be if not for the Democrats, who have openly called for no borders and uncheckered criminal immigration.
Around the globe everything is going well: my phased withdrawal from Syria is phasing back into an open military assault to defend those who, in the area of Syria we have taken over for training ISIS and al Qaeda, not far from the area Israel has taken over for oil, need it most, our invasive troops, who are being killed in order to make them want to stay there defending our interest: Israel’s interests. Our interest is in deescalating the situation, then in reescalating it, to show the aggressors, Assad’s brutal regime, which refuses to stand down in the face of their numerous violations of Syrian sovereignty, who is boss, with all war crimes committed in the defense of the great people of Syria.
To sum up, all my promises have been kept, new better healthcare is available to all (in Canadia), the wall is underway, the balance is budgeted and greasy Bob Mueller is running a witch hunt because he’s jealous of my success and well-deserved fame. He’s looking for his fifteen minutes and I hope he finds it. You know what I mean? I am the president, you are in good, great hands, and I will never lie to you when I can just baffle you with gibberish with the same result.
Gawd blast America.