EXT. MAYBURY SOUTH CAROLINA – PRESENT – DAY
THEME MUSIC OVER – THEME is whistled but slow and melancholy – sad.
PULL IN ON a man and boy walking together down a desolate dirt road.
MEDIUM CEMETERY – DAY
The pair wander into a derelict cemetery and stop before a fresh grave. The man is revealed to be OPIE TAYLOR – mid fifties, bald and conservatively dressed. The boy is his son SCOOPER – 10ish redheaded and freckled – and they stare silently at the burial plot before them.
CLOSE ON GRAVE – The headstone reads:
ANDY TAYLOR 1921-2012 Beloved Father, Beliked Uncle, Betolerated Moral Authority – Cornpone Sheriff for 10 Seasons (with reruns)
CLOSE ON OPIE
He sips from a flask he’s concealed in his Bible.
PULL BACK to include SCOOPER.
Granpa was mighty old.
He lived a long time, son.
Seemed like he’d never die, didn’t it.
Shore did Scoop. Your ma and
me wondered if he’d ever kick.
The bucket – we wondered if
he’d ever kick the bucket.
That what happens when you die?
You kick a bucket?
Not everyone. Uncle Floyd kicked
a state trooper up in Hog Flats. He’s
PAN ACROSS GRAVES REVEALING that virtually everyone from Maybury is dead and buried in the same shitty cemetery. Floyd D Barber, Ain’t Bee, Barney Fife, Otis B Drunkard, Goober Pyle, Gomer Piles…
OPIE and SCOOPER shuffle away from the graves and back onto the dirt road, OPIE spitting a brutish lunger onto OTIS’s grave.
What’s a ped a rast, pa?
Remember cousin Willy?
The Boy Scout leader?
Yep. Know how he liked to do
tent checks during the jamboree?
PULL BACK FAVORING OTIS’S GRAVE as the pair wander away from the cemetery.
SCOOPER rubs his ass as he responds.
He did other checks as well. What’s
Something Boy Scout leaders shouldn’t
be examining while on bivouac.
As the damaged pair leave frame, the soil over OTIS’s grave begins to push up from below, clods rolling aside as the ground opens revealing a very decomposed OTIS – 65 and pickled – as he crawls from what appears to not have been his final resting place.
(hocking and hacking)
INT. TAYLOR HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
OPIE and his haggard wife BUTTY SOO – 46, plain and a trifle flabby – rut it out under the comforter on ANDY’s bed in a fairly uninspired missionary position. BUTTY SOO stares longingly out the window, through the gap in the gingham curtains as OPIE grunts his way to his ineluctable conclusion.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, owww.
I told you not to put that in there.
Why do you call it that?
What do you want me to call it? It?
I told you what I want you to call it.
Well, it isn’t and it seems silly to
call it one.
(finished, he rolls off)
Don’t know what the big deal is.
Prickly Sutton, over in Hamster
Swallow, well his wife calls his…
I know what she calls his, everybody
knows what she calls his. But his is.
Yours ain’t so I cain’t call it that.
Magnum. Huh! More like Derringer.
I heard that!
Facts is facts, Ope. Ain’t saying it
ta hurt ya.
Hey…How do you know Prickly’s is?
Oh grow up. He shows it to everyone.
I know – he showed it to me.
He had me touch it.
You touched it?
He put it in my hand once when we
were in the locker room. Thought it
was a goldurn snake. Creepy.
PULL BACK THROUGH WINDOW REVEALING the entire cast of the original series zombified and watching this exchange. As one they look at each other and ANDY posits:
Well, no brains here. We oughta
head up to Mount Pilate.
They turn and stumble away, disappointed. Gomer shakes his head and it falls off. Hilarity ensues.
FADE TO BLACK