• artahammer

Maybury R.I.P.

FADE IN:


EXT. MAYBURY SOUTH CAROLINA – PRESENT – DAY


THEME MUSIC OVER – THEME is whistled but slow and melancholy – sad.


PULL IN ON a man and boy walking together down a desolate dirt road.


MEDIUM CEMETERY – DAY


The pair wander into a derelict cemetery and stop before a fresh grave. The man is revealed to be OPIE TAYLOR – mid fifties, bald and conservatively dressed. The boy is his son SCOOPER – 10ish redheaded and freckled – and they stare silently at the burial plot before them.


CLOSE ON GRAVE – The headstone reads:


ANDY TAYLOR 1921-2012 Beloved Father, Beliked Uncle, Betolerated Moral Authority – Cornpone Sheriff for 10 Seasons (with reruns)


CLOSE ON OPIE


He sips from a flask he’s concealed in his Bible.


SCOOPER (O.S.)

Pa?


OPIE

Yeah, Scooper.


PULL BACK to include SCOOPER.


SCOOPER

Granpa was mighty old.


OPIE

He lived a long time, son.


SCOOPER

Seemed like he’d never die, didn’t it.


OPIE

Shore did Scoop. Your ma and

me wondered if he’d ever kick.


SCOOPER

Kick?


OPIE

The bucket – we wondered if

he’d ever kick the bucket.


SCOOPER

That what happens when you die?

You kick a bucket?


OPIE

Not everyone. Uncle Floyd kicked

a state trooper up in Hog Flats. He’s

dead too.


PAN ACROSS GRAVES REVEALING that virtually everyone from Maybury is dead and buried in the same shitty cemetery. Floyd D Barber, Ain’t Bee, Barney Fife, Otis B Drunkard, Goober Pyle, Gomer Piles…


MEDIUM GRAVEYARD


OPIE and SCOOPER shuffle away from the graves and back onto the dirt road, OPIE spitting a brutish lunger onto OTIS’s grave.


OPIE

Pederast.


SCOOPER

What’s a ped a rast, pa?


OPIE

Remember cousin Willy?


SCOOPER

The Boy Scout leader?


OPIE

Yep. Know how he liked to do

tent checks during the jamboree?


PULL BACK FAVORING OTIS’S GRAVE as the pair wander away from the cemetery.

SCOOPER rubs his ass as he responds.


SCOOPER

He did other checks as well. What’s

a prostate?


OPIE

Something Boy Scout leaders shouldn’t

be examining while on bivouac.


SCOOPER

I’ll say.


As the damaged pair leave frame, the soil over OTIS’s grave begins to push up from below, clods rolling aside as the ground opens revealing a very decomposed OTIS – 65 and pickled – as he crawls from what appears to not have been his final resting place.


OTIS

(hocking and hacking)

Powerful parched.


DISSOLVE TO


INT. TAYLOR HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT


OPIE and his haggard wife BUTTY SOO – 46, plain and a trifle flabby – rut it out under the comforter on ANDY’s bed in a fairly uninspired missionary position. BUTTY SOO stares longingly out the window, through the gap in the gingham curtains as OPIE grunts his way to his ineluctable conclusion.


OPIE

Uh, uh, uh, uh, owww.


BUTTY SOO

I told you not to put that in there.


OPIE

Why do you call it that?


BUTTY SOO

What do you want me to call it? It?


OPIE

I told you what I want you to call it.


BUTTY SOO

Well, it isn’t and it seems silly to

call it one.


OPIE

(finished, he rolls off)

Don’t know what the big deal is.

Prickly Sutton, over in Hamster

Swallow, well his wife calls his…


BUTTY SOO

I know what she calls his, everybody

knows what she calls his. But his is.

Yours ain’t so I cain’t call it that.

(sotto voce)

Magnum. Huh! More like Derringer.


OPIE

I heard that!


BUTTY SOO

Facts is facts, Ope. Ain’t saying it

ta hurt ya.


OPIE

Hey…How do you know Prickly’s is?


BUTTY SOO

Oh grow up. He shows it to everyone.


OPIE

I know – he showed it to me.

(conspiratorial)

He had me touch it.


BUTTY SOO

You touched it?


OPIE

He put it in my hand once when we

were in the locker room. Thought it

was a goldurn snake. Creepy.


PULL BACK THROUGH WINDOW REVEALING the entire cast of the original series zombified and watching this exchange. As one they look at each other and ANDY posits:


ANDY

Well, no brains here. We oughta

head up to Mount Pilate.


They turn and stumble away, disappointed. Gomer shakes his head and it falls off. Hilarity ensues.


FADE TO BLACK



FIN

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