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  • Writer's pictureartahammer


Updated: Nov 16, 2018

Why do animals die in the wild? This isn’t a trick question, more a thought exercise, like any reading of substance. Does this have substance? One good way to find out, huh?

Old age. Many animals die because their bodies can no longer sustain them. Happens to all creatures in time – nothing particularly revelatory there at first blush. Disease. Predators.

These both fall under the same category as disease is the tiny predator that brings down giants. In the wild, animals have no physical defenses against disease, meaning they can’t hide behind a tree and growl menacingly to ward off a cold or something. They can’t see disease coming so they can’t defend against it.

Animals in the wild, on their game, sustain themselves through rigid focus on the moment. A gazelle or wildebeest on the savannas of Africa isn’t thinking about whether that other gazelle or wildebeest thinks their ass is too big, or who’ll win during the big game tonight. With the finals and all, a heated match is pretty much assured. Go Wildebeests!

Creatures in the wild stay alive through that focus: they assess based upon experience and observation of movement around them. They move with the herd, the more resilient staying toward the inner regions of the mass, allowing their less resilient brethren to be picked off by encroaching predators. Animals in the wild are said to exist in only two modes, fight or flight. But simple observation shows that this is not the case. They also exist in fuck mode.

Fuck mode is fundamental to their existence. Because whether they know it or not, they exist to fuck. The fighting and flighting is just to stay alive long enough to fuck some more. What do individual animals fight each other over? Pussy. We call them elaborate mating rituals, but they are nothing more than a couple of animal jocks showing off for the animal cheerleaders, on the sidelines egging them on. Animal pussy knows it doesn’t want animal cock that can’t stand up to some pounding – what, are they animals?

Sure they are. So are we. Came from the very same place, Earth. Biologically we are so close to our fellow beasts that tests on rats can tell us what will happen to us when we eat that GMO corn or suck down too much smoke. Parts from other animals (here piggy, piggy, piggy) are transplantable into human bodies. Try that with a sapling from a larch or poplar.

Biological organisms have no purpose beyond reproduction. Lions ain’t solving universal conundrums, spider monkeys ain’t curing cancer, ring tailed lemurs ain’t explaining what God really wants – they exist as the product of fucking and exist to fuck and propagate.

That’s all.

We have been told that even though we are animals, we are not animals, we are better than animals. Often the one telling us this is us, ourselves. We’re always comparing our vain selves to other people – are they fatter, balder, flatter, poorer? – so it becomes easy to feel superior to that which can’t argue the point. Stupid dog. What the fuck does he know, anyway?

Well, for one thing they know how to get rewarded for laying around the house all day, licking their own crotches. How many of us would turn down such an enviable position? They have figured out how to get humans to pamper them and even walk around behind them and pick up their shit. Stupid, my ass! It’s pretty obvious who the stupid ones in that relationship are.

Cats? We bow and scrape to them. Make them their own little toilets and everything and even become the biological flushing mechanism when they doody it up sufficiently. (We call it litter – dogs and people shit; cats litter.) We scoop up their furry puke-balls off the rug and cater to their mewy whims while they lay around licking themselves building the next belly tribble.

Domestic animals (slaves) have no agenda; they’ve no big plans for the future; they’re not working on those memoirs. They are for the most part content to lay around, eat and fuck. But because humans are very sick animals, animals that think they aren’t animals, they take care of that little fucking problem. In the name of conservation, we steal these animals’ capacity to do the one thing they exist to do: fuck.

This changes them; they become docile, or crazy; they become useless consumers, ornaments for lonely humans to connect with when other human contact becomes too complex. Neutered, they have no purpose and exist waiting for the next meal, walk or display of affection. They never argue any point you make and will actually cower should you be compelled to menace them. Most people try hard not to giggle when we do that to them.

Of course, naysayers will challenge such assertion: perhaps they exist to reproduce, but to say they exist to fuck reduces it to something base and unseemly. Bullshit. Only human thinking makes fucking anything other than what it is: our biological imperative. If you are reading this, thank your parents for fucking. Because if they hadn’t, you couldn’t.

If fucking wasn’t pleasurable, we wouldn’t be here because really, who would do such a thing without the reward of pleasure? It’s too much work. Sadly for too many, fucking only has to be pleasurable to the masculine participant. But the act in itself isn’t the problem. As always, performance is defined by the actors.

Humans can alter our reproductive process so as to eliminate contraception but not destroy sexual ardor. We call it vasectomy. I had one and consider it among the best money I have ever spent. No diminution of ardor; I can maintain my purpose and what remains of my sanity.

We can fix our pets without ruining them, but as slaves with no field to till, neutering is done to reduce the drive, the will, the force which makes them live. We want our slaves (pets) calm, well behaved, not fucking everything that walks in the door. Reduces embarrassment. So we take their balls or ovaries before they ever get to fuck, thereby stealing their raison d'être and watch as they hang around the house, looking for something to do.

Kinda like their humans.

History is written by, if not the winners, at least the survivors. But then only the literate among them. Animals, while demonstrably able to abstract (nesting a fine example), do not write their histories; they exist in the present without terms and figures to confound their thinking. Billions of them exist in the wild every day without a language, medical system, communication network, food repositories, government, corporations, money, or god.

Billions of them exist in conditions most humans, with our superior knowledge and physicality (in God’s likeness and all), would perish in. Naked in the wild, most of us would die. And not a happy nicely sedated, family-gathered-around-to-see-you-off kind of death. More akin to eating your own flesh out of desperation after starvation drives you mad and drinking what urine you can muster to stave dehydration, while consumed with bugs and roving predators.

Best I can tell, God didn’t make us particularly special. We’ve articulated our grunting into language and come up with all manner of reasons for all the stupid shit we do. We’ve convinced ourselves that not only are we better than the animals (we tell our deepest secrets to) but indeed, better than most other people around us when it comes right down to it. We’ve come up with all kinds of purposes for us to engage in to keep our collective minds from going crazy with boredom. To keep us out of mischief.

We’ve manufactured all manner of distraction to keep us idle and inoffensive and polarized, perpetually at odds with someone or some group or some mindset that we can ultimately feel superior to. But these notions, these goals and objectives, while on an intellectual level are gratifying, are but distractions of our own to hide the truth we dare not face: We are only here to fuck.

Because we cannot face this – and let me be clear, I am not advocating reproduction in this, for that is a very hard and oft times disheartening road – we are culturally discontent. While we have neutered our pets to keep them docile and not pumping out litters every five minutes, we have intellectually neutered ourselves. We have made sex result- or goal-oriented – gotta have a baby/gotta come – instead of pleasure-oriented. It becomes the rushed appetizer to the boring meal of sitting around afterwards watching others banter cleverly on a screen somewhere.

All this manufactured human bullshit has completely fucked up our thinking. Why would God create in us a drive only second to hunger if the fulfillment of that drive was wrong? Is eating wrong as well? Is it not just stuffing different stuff into different holes? Is shitting a sin, or only if it feels really good? How about pissing? God knows how good that feels. Suspect that’s part of the reason beer is so popular. Lots of opportunity to run a little more through that sweet, sweet channel.

Our software (minds) has fucked up our hardware (bodies). Our perverse perspectives on sex have made us confused and befuddled and frustrated and ultimately asexual as we settle in to lives more ordinary, seeking the comfort of inertia rather than the challenge of action. Elevating ourselves above animals has made in so many a perspective which keeps them from elevating themselves above the ones they love. And that is a shame.

And thus we behave as animals, describing our work as a rat race, our workplace as a jungle and clawing our way to the top over those too weak to seize advantage. We make our world a battlefield where we describe those who behave most horrendously as animals. Yet animals don’t sit around and come up with reasons to attack each other, don’t organize and arm massive contingents and lay waste utterly to that which they would dominate. Humans do that.

Perhaps if we behaved more like animals (fucking because it feels phenomenal) and less like humans (not fucking for any one of a thousand reasons), we wouldn’t be so angry all the time. Perhaps if we weren’t angry all the time we wouldn’t fight each other so much. Maybe if we didn’t fight each other so much we wouldn’t be in a constant state of warfare. Which, it seems, would make our lives better, as well as the lives of those we are currently waging war upon.

Never heard of someone on their deathbed saying they wished they had fought more during their lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if many had wished they had fucked more, whether they expressed it or not. Seems like an unnecessary regret in a world of so many horny people.

Fuck. Why the fuck not?

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