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  • Writer's pictureartahammer

Sino-Deballoonification Protocol

To test US air defenses the wily Chinese set aloft a diaphanous emissary to challenge the mighty Pentagon’s resolve. Gaseous terror from above to bring the US to their knees and the lowest technology was all it must involve. They first considered fireworks as a traditional assault that required nothing nuclear in the anticipated US reaction. Serve up their invention as a glorious insult, not an act of war, more global-etiquette infraction. A hundred-million Roman candles dropped from high-altitude aircraft and launched across the nation might paint them as villainous vandals of crass attitude, but not invaders to further vex the current administration.

The US was in fact being felled by its corruptions, and their ancient leaders were vile, wretched, and corrosive. Chinese awareness of US military eruptions saw there was significant risk in an assault so amusingly explosive. The Chinese plan required cunning subterfuge to exploit the USA’s guiding cupidity. The USA’s disproportionate histrionic deluge, as always, would be governed by their endless stupidity.

The first incursion was direct enough, a weather balloon blown off-course. Once spotted, US cowards had to look tough, so they called up their murderous air force. As scripted, the media stoked up hysteria, and the programmed, thus bidden, repeated their fears. The offending balloon had picked the wrong area; now Alpha chickenhawks were driven to tears. “Protect us!” they screamed, “From the menace on high, don’t let it steal our intelligence!” Trembling in fear as the gasbag floats by, the Pentagon was not equipped for national defense.

Much as they anticipated, the US dependably overreacted. The menace was overstated while the target was expensively impacted. The Chinese saw the immediate boon in their high-altitude, low-tech incursion, causing US oligarchs to hyperventilate and swoon while capitalizing on the diversion. American pretense again offered a telling demonstration: that they’d spare no expense stopping runaway inflation. Their efforts directing humanity to their unrelenting cop fun, they called forth renewed vanity: the Maverick Pop Gun.

The USA’s happiness to squander billions in ruinous military actions was the chink in their chain mail. Flagrant displays of crappiness, while laundering trillions, they sunk in their insane flail. Knees bended rear-ended, overwrought and over extended. Offended, (pretended), never sought and never befriended. China saw their course, the US opened wide; in reason’s divorce, as always they all lied.

The new assault would prove epic and be brilliantly insidious. They knew the US would play the hick and paint them as invidious. In vast factories Chinese workers forewent ease, to give US the squeeze. The end was coming soon for the capitalist poltroon, now they would call the tune and exploit the balloon.

In green fields hoppery

a bunny is

inoffensive bounding

while wriggling noseily

through verdant meadow

though looming enormous


1000 meters long

the terror a cute

the cuteness

a terror

why would the bunny

want to scare us?

What’s up, Doc?

Battalions of balloon platoons of enormity and nonthreatening adorability aloft above the North American incontinent, floating, wafting, hovering, looming, offering conflicting portent: have they come to comfort us in our despair or despair us our comfort? Are they harbingers of despond as yet unimagined? A touchy feely schadenfreude Hindenburger and flies, laughing maniacally as the toxic plumes envelop us, our delightful cartoon destroyers looming godlike on high, huge doe-eyes twinkling at us, big goofy noses and ridiculous floppy feet caught in the wind, feckless F-16s straining desperately to hit nonmetallic targets traveling 50 miles per hour from Mach One at 60,000 feet.

Feeding the need for speed with greed guaranteed, the freed steed sees the lede bleed. To the USA’s infernal dismay, each of the ten-thousand ginormous balloon animals is filled with hundreds of smaller balloon animals, also filled with smaller balloon animals still. In this they waylay their defensive display by overwhelming the system so they can’t resist them; way too many to track, way too many to kill.

I know we’re all loony, implications known to all.

The Sino-Deballoonification Protocol.

So much poison emitted

So much hot air released

As mad fate would bid it

T’was cutie killed the beast

2/20/23 Arturo Hammer

© 2023 ArtAHammer

A writing challenged which devolved from a lyric to a rhyming short story (whatever the hell that is) including free verse, for some reason.

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