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  • Writer's pictureartahammer


Updated: Jan 2, 2023

February 28, 2013

To: God All Mighty

cc: Jesus (Christ) of Nazareth

Divine Throne-room

Heaven Above 0000 Oh!

Subject: Papal Resignation

Heavenly Father:

Bless me for I have sinned. I’ve always wanted to say that; this seems the appropriate opportunity. (Not sure really why one would be blessed for things others would be castigated for, but that’ll just have to go on my expanding list of questions for later. Hopefully, much later. )

To begin allow me to offer You my heartfelt appreciation for the job. The place is lovely and the staff is really first cabin: I feel as much a guest at a 10 Star resort as the manager. My room is like a museum and it takes 40 people just to make my lunch. Amazing. And the food here, delightful, we haven’t lost a food taster in months and we’re entirely GMO free in the Vatican scullery. The seafood is to die for. Seriously.

Should You or any of the Holy Trinity decide to visit, You can rest assured your rooms are turned out every day (excepting of course the Sabbath and the day we made up for Jesus’ birthday) with fresh silk sheets and anointing unguents in the holy lavatories. The mini-bar is fully stocked and all comped so feel free to drop in anytime, even unannounced. Mi Casa es Su Casa. Literally.

Rare indeed is it that a man of my advanced age is given an executive position in such an auspicious organization, for obvious reasons. The rigors of…What were we talking about?

Right – this job. To be perfectly honest, because You’d know if I wasn’t, I figured I would have retired a long time ago, because, well, who really wants to work into their 80s? Sure Moses and Abraham and Noah, but they get the fictional exception so the comparison would be a little unfair if made by anyone else: were You to make it, it would be perfectly apt. Perfectly.

When You think about it, this particular organization is fairly unique in that its talent pool is pretty much exclusively the geriatric set. The major religion of the world and it’s run by 80 year old virgins who wear really gaudy dresses and cant in a dead language. It seems odd in its own way that a religion so opposed (doctrinally) to homosexuality would dress its male leaders in so many pretty gowns but such are the mysteries of trying to codify divinity, especially when run by such an uptight sausage-fest.

And while all the guys here really love You (and none more than me), it is this whole celibacy conundrum that has caused me to reconsider this prestigious position. I’m not really sure as to my intrinsic qualifications owing to certain facts You are no doubt aware of. At least if You operate in the Santa Claus seize you when you’re sleeping, no’s when you’re awake fashion, which frankly seems to offer a boredom potential far beyond any interest I could personally imagine. Your followers, for the most part, are particularly uninteresting. I could tell You stories…oy!

But the notion itself that those closest to Your majestic magnificence, who could most directly impart Your loving-kindness to their offspring, are compelled to disdain women is baffling and counter-intuitive. Then, to further confound the issue we dress real gay and hang around with other men (and really horny and uptight women) and listen to strangers’ sexual perversions – well, You can see that’s a recipe for trouble. What were we talking about?

Right, celibacy.

Really? Make us horny as monkeys (which we’re no way related to even though You saw fit to give us 99% the same DNA – sweet, sweet mysteries) then have the dumbest – it needs to be said, Lord – among us breed like rats while the most pious and considerate are compelled to furious masturbation when outright buggery is eschewed because we’re not supposed to even think about women. In that way. It is hard fighting the temptation of the Devil when you attach him to our crotches – he is a rigid opponent, stout in his resolve and we grapple with him in constancy. To display his contempt, he is disposed to spit in our faces.

We all remember well the plight of Father Urbain Grandier, of Loudon, France. In Your mercy You allowed him to be publically tortured and humiliated, broken and ultimately burned at the stake – just because he liked women. Sure he married one and messed around with others but, burning at the stake for being heterosexual? Seems to promote an anti-marriage sentiment to me.

It is a far cry from today when the full majesty of the church is used to keep the pedophiles and predators among our ranks safe from even the threat of prosecution from secular authorities. This is a level of hypocrisy that even I as head of a church known for massacres in the name of a loving God of peace am unable to reconcile within myself.

As I face, Lord, the reality of our imminent communion, I realize that even though I am not a man of fair countenance, strong constitution or even marginal human decency, I in the end am a man. A horny, horny man. My compensation as CEO of God Inc. has allowed me to realize that even though no woman in her right mind would ever consider lying with me, there are plenty of crazy ones who will do it for money. So, as to add no further disgrace to this noble edifice, I will retire and spend my declining years, declining no more.

Look forward to discussing this in more detail – hopefully not too soon.

Yours in You

Pope Benedict II Long

Obfuscatores veritatis

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