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  • Writer's pictureartahammer


FADE IN: CLOSE ON SMOKER SMOKER sits in front of BLACK BACKGROUND and shares. SMOKER I started smoking when I was very young. INSERT: Picture of baby smoking a cigarette. CLOSE ON SMOKER who continues. SMOKER Believe me, I was as surprised as the next person to find out inhaling the burning fumes of over 600 known toxins could have a negative impact on my health. DISSOLVE OVER: LIST of known toxins in cigarettes. List burns away in BG. CLOSE ON SMOKER continuing still. SMOKER I tried everything to quit smoking: The patch… CLOSE ON PATCH – PULL BACK FAST REVEALING SMOKER wearing it pirate-like over one eye. SMOKER turns to CAMERA. SMOKER Yar, matey. MEDIUM SMOKER – DIFFERENT ANGLE SMOKER still in front of BLACK continues tale of woe. SMOKER Hypnotherapy… INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE - TWO SHOT UP Bemused THERAPIST, consulting Hypnotherapy For Dommies, turns toward CAMERA displeased with the results of treatment as SMOKER pecks around in the BACKGROUND like a chicken. SMOKER (to CAMERA) Buk buk.

CLOSE ON SMOKER – in front of BLACK continuing. SMOKER Even cold turkey… ECU ASHTRAY as SMOKER rises up behind it eyes maniacally fixed upon it. CLOSE ON SMOKER in front of BLACK who holds a cigarette pack. SMOKER Nothing worked. At least until a friend told me about Turd Cigarettes. INSERT PACK OF TURD CIGARETTES - Brown and unappealing. EXT. GREENERY – DAY SMOKER walks and talks to CAMERA the BACKGROUND a verdant green. SMOKER Turd Cigarettes are different. Expensive, they taste terrible, horrible for your health, I found that after smoking less than one pack, I never felt like smoking anything ever again. SMOKER stops before a lush background and displays brown cigarette. SMOKER Turd Cigarettes. Toxic? You bet!                At twenty bucks a pack, still cheaper than pretty much any

other method of quitting short of

death. Turds are the only cigarette

with a money back guarantee. TEXT OVER:

Money Back Guarantee – If you don’t quit smoking after 5 packs of Turd Cigarettes we Guarantee we will not give you your money back. Guaranteed. CLOSE ON SMOKER – Considers brown cigarette with contempt and disgust. SMOKER Nothing prepared me for the hot foul blast that many compare to inhaling a burning fart. It's aversion therapy for the 21st Century. Now when I feel like a cigarette, I just ask myself, “Do I really want to suck on a burning

Turd?" And then I do something else. I started this quilt… PULL BACK REVEALING insane crazy quilt, 100s of yards of wildly meandering stitchery fairly engulfing SMOKER, looking fairly twisted. CLOSE ON PACK OF TURD CIGARETTES. ANNOUNCER 1 (V.O.) Turd Cigarettes. Also Old Gym Sock Menthol, and Disposable Panty Liner Lites. Isn’t it time to quit? ANNOUNCER 2 (V.O.) The sturgeon genital has determined that regardless of all efforts to the contrary, you are going to die anyway so you might as well enjoy yourself. Just don’t be an asshole about it. Insult reality for further indications. Copyright March 2014

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